Posts Tagged ‘the me guide’

Does anyone else, when commenting on BDSM blogs, find it only slightly but consistently amusing when they finish their post and hit the button marked “Submit”?

I swear, it gives me a little chuckle every time.

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I made an announcement recently that I’m quitting the domming business. So, you might ask, what am I doing now?

I’ve added a new permanent page to this blog which describes the services I’m currently providing in some detail.

Check it out.

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Dear everyone,

I quit. The end.

But seriously, folks.

This is the part where I let you all know that I’m moving on. I’ve known for a while that I’m done with this work in its current incarnation, and that it’s time for me to do something that’s more in line with my values and desires.

So this is me, letting you know that no, I won’t spank you so hard that you cry and not give you a safeword. I won’t make a video where I humiliate you by treating you like a dog. No, I won’t pretend to be the nurse to your twelve-year-old boy, take your rectal temperature and then beat you for masturbating. I won’t let you worship my feet, nor will I trample over your body with stiletto heels. Not anymore.

But I will answer your questions about kink and sex. And I will offer personal coaching for singles and couples to help you learn how to be safely kinky together, in your really-real life. And I will still do limited types of sessions that are about atonement, transformation, and healing.

I have decided that I am done having sex with strange men. And yes, I know: according to strict legal definitions, I am not having sex with my clients. But it would be disingenuous for me to suggest that what I do isn’t a type of sex, or isn’t about sex. It is, most of the time, almost entirely about sex. It’s about power, yes. And control. And sometimes about peculiar fetishes that most people wouldn’t recognize as sex.

But the men I see get naked, and get hard. They breathe hard and become excited. Sometimes I enjoy what I’m doing, and I breathe hard and get excited, too. Sometimes I get wet from the screaming. At the end of 95% of sessions, the man jerks off until he comes.

We are having a kind of sex. And I have finally realized that having this level of connection with virtual strangers is too intimate for me.

Watch this space. My new website is coming, and with it, I hope, a new era of doing the kind of work that I feel will make a difference in the world, and in people’s relationships. No more compartmentalization. It’s time to become more fully ourselves.

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I was reading back in Bitchy Jones’ Diary last night and was again stirred and moved and amused and made curious by it. I have to be careful over there, as her blog never fails to draw me in to several hours of reading.

When I first picked up on her blog nearly a year ago, it made me start to think hard about the image I put forth as a pro domme – and, frankly, about whether I wanted to continue being a pro domme at all. So much about the culture of pro domming has always been ugly and alien to me, and I spent a lot of time trying to put my finger on why. Is it the exploitation of men? Of women? Is it the obvious fact that most of the men who see me are, in essence, cheating on their wives and partners? I spent a lot of time in my first couple of years of domming figuring out what things made me feel icky and what things don’t, and how to minimize the former and capitalize on the latter.

But Bitchy – looking from the outside of the industry as she is – was able to outline the problem for me perfectly. She writes well on many topics and at length, but her central thesis, if her blog can be said to have one, is something like this:

The image of the dominant woman and the submissive man are broken. The prevailing submissive male culture dictates that said men are worthless, less than men, unworthy to be touched by Women who are Superior, and deserve punishment, enforced chastity, and feminization at the hands of Dominas, whom they should worship as Goddesses. This image, rather than empowering women, pedestalizes them and robs them of their sexuality, locates their power in their appearances rather than in their total persons, and suggests implicitly that femininity is actually inferior, seeing as 1) “forced” feminization is reserved for submissive “sissies,” and 2) dominant women are only allowed to have sex with submissive men if they use a strap-on cock and fuck them up the ass.

Add to this the prevailing notion that certain things germane to being female (getting penetrated being the biggest example) are by their nature submissive, and you’ve got one fucked-up image system going on.

The major problem, that Bitchy goes over and over against the protests of many (especially pro dommes), is that the image of the Big Bad Dominatrix is the only mainstream image of dominant female sexuality there is. As such, it robs women like her of any recognition of their sexuality.

Essentially, the idea of dominant female sexuality – that a woman could actually be in control during fucking, or that she could come from taking a burly, masculine man and causing him pain – is so scary that it needs to be desexualized, dehumanized, the sweat and blood and come taken out of it, and turned into a high-heeled, latex-sheathed, small-penis-humiliating freakfest where a woman’s stilettos are a more powerful seat of sexuality than her cunt.

As she so trenchantly points out, Sometimes I think femdom is like a horrible warning. This is what can happen if you replace actual women being turned on with women’s whose job it is to pretend to be turned on.

Or, as an excellently smart commenter puts it,

Inside kink we have a sexist, distorting, repressive culture which tries to make people like me believe the norm of my sexuality is play for pay, tries to make men believe their submission is shameful and unattractive, tries to make dominance appear unsexy to women.

If you are working as a pro dom, how is it in your interest that this distortion gets changed? It creates a great deal of your demand.

And this:

[T]his is not about deriding sex workers for being sex workers.

Example. If a prodom said “I can’t have sex with clients because it would be illegal where I live” or just “I prefer not to have sex with clients”, this would be from a perspective of sex work. Nothing to make fun of.

But: “A female dominant can’t have sex with a male submissive, because it would upset the power dynamic / they’re unworthy of our sacred shrines / these wimps can’t satisfy a woman anyway”… Are these lies? Do they sound familiar? Are they ridiculous? Do they have harmful effects?

…This is about prodoms knowingly telling lies about sexuality with harmful consequences, and profiting from these consequences….This is about people who claim that their pompous facade, i.e. their sex worker persona, represents female dominance as a personal kinky sexuality. And that is not okay.

As should by now be obvious, all of this is making me think like crazy. I have long been repulsed by the trend in prodommery toward the apparently sexless ice princess who treats her feminized, submissive wiener-men like shit. And it’s taken me a while to figure out exactly why, but I think I know now.

I want to continue to be a pro domme in addition to continuing to live out my personal kinky sexuality. But 1. I want to be more open about who I am as a total person – partly because it makes my life better to do so, but partly to contribute to dismantling this horrid pro-domme stereotype. And 2. I want to restructure how I market myself to reflect the things I love to do in sessions, not the things I’m expected to do as part of this culture.

This is a long time in coming, and I’ve written about it elsewhere in great angsty detail. But Bitchy, as usual, you’ve caught me out. It’s time to stop perpetuating false images that define female dominance as sterile and male submission as shameful. And it’s time to start putting out there what I truly find hot.

And for the record: me? Totally a sex worker. Let me say it here and now: what I do is sex work, it is a sexual service, and I don’t have manual, oral, vaginal or anal intercourse with my clients because it’s illegal and I don’t want to. A post is brewing about strap-on sex, which Bitchy tends to write about as part of the problem, but which I count as a sex act for the reason that it totally turns my crank. One day soon I’ll write about the one time I broke my no-strap-on-sex-in-sessions rule…one of the hottest sessions I’ve ever known. But that’s for another day.

For now, picture this: a new site by me that highlights my friendliness, my viciousness as a sadist, my sensuality with touch and voice, my wrestling fetish, my work as a healer and therapist, my human connection with my clients, and yes, my sexual desire.

It’s very likely that I’ll never have the guts to do videos where I play the submissive. That part of my sexuality is too private, too precious to me to share with the world in that way. Probably this is also the result of the sickness in our sexual culture: while I experience submission as powerful, I have the fear that others won’t see it that way, and am still haunted by the notion that taking my clothes off and going into that space strips part of my power. (Is it any wonder, when most of the images we have in porn of female submission are all about humiliation and conquest? Again – another post for another day.)

But I think you can safely stay tuned for more vulnerability from me as a domme. More clear expression of my desire. More scenes with models I care about, or am at least hot for.

And more stories here about the kinds of scenes that actually make me wet.

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Went to a marvelous party the other night. Friends abounding, getting naked and fucking with abandon or doing deliciously evil things to one another in an atmosphere akin to Burning Man parties I’ve been to in the past. There’s nothing quite like watching someone get spanked under a shiny-mylar-fringed tent-thing amid color-changing LEDs.

I was exhausted and not much in the mood for anything, except maybe a beating. Getting one, I mean. A friend of mine is a great play partner for this; he and I flirt and kiss a little, but the full sexual spark doesn’t seem to be there: he just enjoys my masochistic side when he’s in that special kind of sadistic mood.

It’s always funny for me to play with casual partners in that kind of setting: I’m always thinking about what they’re doing with the cuffs, what their equipment is like, how well they’re managing my safety, and so on – it’s the curse of the professional. But it’s also fun, and good to see that my choice of partners is usually right-on.

He has a nice collection of non-traditional toys: floggers made of nylon strings, smooth for thuddy impact, braided for brutally stingy. Near the end he unzipped a long case, by which time I was floating in endorphins and adrenaline and was only able to ask, “What’s that?”

“The percussion section!” he quipped.

And the coup de grace: two metal canes about a half-inch thick.

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch. He told me I didn’t have any marks afterward, but that bruises would probably come up from those canes in a couple of days.

He was right. No, there aren’t pictures.

I was very appreciative, too, of his sensitivity to my safeword problem. It was getting to be too much for me at one point, and he said, “If you need me to ease off, just give me a yellow.” I squirmed, screamed, breathed hard, and finally gasped, “I. CAN’T.”

To his eternal credit, he stopped, checked in, then eased back into the scene.

Sometimes it’s subspace and a desire to please that keeps me from safewording. But sometimes, it’s just plain old stubborn pride. I so appreciate tops who can feel this and navigate it well.

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This past weekend’s video shoot was a smashing success, and I can’t wait to see the results. We shot with the voluptuous Madeline, who at nearly six feet tall with a stunning fall of naturally red hair is quite a match for me. (Good thing, too, since I happen to love her something terrible.) While she’s chiefly played the sub to me in the past, this time we let her flex her inner domme a bit, and she really shone.

We performed various tortures on a video slave I like.

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Be on the lookout for some harsh high-heel trampling with verbal humiliation, some shoe, boot, stocking and bare foot worship, dirty feet cleaning, panty and stocking washing (by mouth, of course), cigarette torture and glove fetish, and a good old-fashioned ass-kicking.

Torturing the slave boy was amusing; causing anguish and embarrassment to someone who loves it is entertaining and fulfilling to me, but can be somewhat tiring as well. By the end of it I generally feel drained and have sore feet, back and legs from walking around in heels all day. My creativity is tapped by improvising witty dialogue and focusing all of my energy onto the object of my torment. It’s the same reason I can only do four sessions a day, tops, without actually making myself sick: I take it seriously. I focus my energy. I pay attention, every second. And when the camera’s rolling, it’s just that many more things to pay attention to.

But for me, the coup de grace was the final scene, which Madeline and I shot together after the slave went home. I rediscovered, as I so often have the opportunity to do, what really turns my crank versus what I just find amusing.

First, I got my guy on a bit.

I got into some good old blue jeans and a Nasty Pig rubber belt. I wore a leather halter on top and some Diesel men’s briefs underneath, and I was packing with a leather harness and a nice slim cock that Vixen makes. I topped the whole thing off with a buttery leather racing jacket, and dressed my girl up in a floofy little skirt and tank top.

As soon as the camera started to roll I just did what came naturally: grabbed her by the hair, slammed her against the wall and kissed her, holding her nose shut with one hand. Pushed one thigh up between hers. Brought her to a chair and made her kneel down in front of me, told her to take my cock out and suck it, make it nice and wet and ready. She undid my belt and reached in, letting it spring free. Her beautiful mouth wrapped around that cock was heaven, and her enthusiasm plugged me right into it, made that cock mine. It wasn’t long before I was dripping underneath the base of it, all of that sexual energy running right through the silicone and into her. I grabbed her, reluctantly pulling her off of me, and made short work of her little lacy panties. Her sweet little cunt, tight and more bud-like than most, is covered with sweet red hairs, and inside it was wet and ready for me, as my black-gloved hand quickly found out.

I sat her down on top of me and let her rock.

I often lament how little really good lesbian porn there is: the mainstream stuff that’s labeled “lesbian” is all too often two pneumatic blondes with dragon-lady fingernails making me fear for each other’s shaved clits while they delicately finger each other and flick their tongues in each other’s general direction. The Crash Pad Series is so far my favorite answer to this problem, and I adore DarkPlay for lesbian BDSM. I hope that with this little video, and future clips I do with beautiful women, I can add to the collection and maybe give people more of a taste of what (some) real sex between women looks like.

I’ll let you know when it goes up.

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So I’m planning a total rebuild of my professional website, and I’m starting the process a couple of weeks from now. I’m excited about it for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I feel that my practice, as I’ve come to call it, is moving in new directions.

When I launched my site back in 2005, I was just a baby domme. I was figuring out who I was to clients, who I wanted to be to them, what image I wanted to project – and for a while, I really wasn’t sure. My process was as follows: I obtained a copy of Dreamweaver. I had a bunch of people take really amazing pictures of me. I wrote some over-the-top, forbidding-sounding copy. I put the whole thing together with some help from some fantastic friends who have greater patience and website-building knowledge than I have. And then I linked it everywhere.

At the time, I was very proud of it – after all, I’d pretty much made it myself! But now when I look at it, it seems slightly childish. While I still dig and believe in the woman in those pictures – she’s still me, or parts of me – I don’t buy the copy anymore. I wrote it, and conceived of the entire feel of the site, when I didn’t really know what kind of domme I wanted to be. I figured so long as I presented a figure of class, and put forth an image that was similar to other dommes, I’d be in business.

And I was, and am. People still love the website. But for a while I wondered why everyone was approaching me with this over-the-top Goddessing attitude. Well, duh. I’d fostered it myself.

My new site, hopefully, will attract more of the people that I like to play with, and also help me diversify the types of sessions I do. I want to educate more people, see more couples and women, help people learn how to do kinky stuff in their own bedrooms. I want more letters asking for advice! I want my site to be listed in places other than free domination directories. I want it to reflect the way I see myself in this work: as a skilled but down-to-earth domina, and as an educator and healer.

I’ll write more about this as things develop, of course. But keep an eye out for my new site in the next few months.

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