I’m writing this (but not posting it, of course) on a plane heading from Austin to Boston. I’ve been on vacation in Texas for about a week, and while I learned many things here and had bunches of fun, the most important thing I learned was this: Austin is full of blindingly hot waitstaff. In particular, a type I never thought I’d go for: tall, blond, skinny waitresses wearing incredibly short skirts and cowboy boots. It might have been the heat, but I couldn’t stop wanting to grab them by the hair and bend them over the table, or slide my hand up their skirts as they passed, or just throw them down, find some gloves and lube and make them scream for a few hours with my fist buried in them…haaah. Yes, it was a good trip.
But it’s also why I missed Monday Advice this week, and am bringing it to you now. Today’s question also involves a bit of sexual frustration, and is seemingly from the advanced camp.
Dear Delilah,
I like tying up men and making them feel vulnerable and helpless and used, and I like hurting them. But I also like orgasms! Unfortunately, being female and wired the way I am, the only way I can get my first orgasm (the next billion are easy) is by masturbation or by a lot of direct clitoral stimulation, which involves active participation by my partner. The other physical complicating factor is that it really is easier for me to orgasm when I am lying on my back, though I am still working on training my body out of that.
I hate masturbating myself to orgasm when I have a lover there because it feels wasteful of the opportunity and is generally faster and less intense, but I have trouble reconciling my love of bondage with my love of orgasms otherwise. Yes, I could always just untie his right arm when I’m ready to get off, but then it feels like my orgasm comes after the scene instead of being part of the scene, which also really bothers me. Any suggestions?
(I mostly solve this by creative bondage. Just enough wiggle room to reach me if he really tries and I go out of my way to let him, but that’s about it. It can get pretty annoying and frustrating, though, especially since he really likes both being completely immobilized and giving me orgasms and whatever else I may want of him.)
Okay, so obviously you’ve come up with one solution to the problem already, which is probably the first thing that I would have suggested. But you want a way to have your orgasm while he’s still all tied up, that doesn’t involve you having to do the work. (Because why do tops always have to do all the work? I mean, fuck.)
A couple of things come to mind. First off: do you enjoy oral, and is he good at it? If so, it’s trivial to have him completely immobilized and on his back, and for you to, as the good folks at Monty Python would have it, sit on his face and tell him that you love him. If you prefer being on your back, you could put him in a bent-over kneeling position, face down, with his arms at his sides, and position yourself underneath him. This also has the bonus of making it difficult for him, which seems to be part of what is working for you here.
As far as creative bondage: how much of his arm needs to be free to get you off? If you tied him, say, with his hands in front and his arms completely pinioned to his sides, you could hold onto him and let him use his fingers on you without his arms and hands actually being free. For the on-your-back position, you could even throw him on his stomach on a bed and scootch under him so his hand is in the right place.
Another solution, if vibrators work for you, is a compromise: tie a vibrator to some part of his body. Build it into his bondage somewhere where it will be nice and secure. If you want to be nice, let it stimulate some part of his body as well. If you want to be mean, attach it to his stomach. If you want to be really mean, attach it to his back and don’t even let him watch as you get yourself off by rubbing against him. There’s a delicious objectifying aspect to this as well, as you’re essentially making him into a sex toy.
Which brings me to frottage. Are you able to orgasm by rubbing against something, like his thigh, or shin? This could be another way to accomplish this.
Let me know how it goes!
Advice and Consent: Delilah Wood's Blog 