Good morning, perverts!
I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday weekend; I certainly did, especially since the gods decided to finally stop doing nonconsensual watersports with us. The timing of their reprieve couldn’t have been better, and I spent the weekend walking in the sun, sitting around a fire, eating far too much grilled meat and rolling around with two of the hottest people I know. No, not all at the same time. Well, except the last part. The two people were at the same time.
Anyway!
This week’s question is short and sweet, but a big issue for a lot of people. Let’s get to it!
So what do you do if you really want to be dominated by your partner but since your partner has no experience and you have read more you wind up topping from the bottom which is not satisfying for you but you appreciate his being GGG (Thank you Dan Savage)?
-GW
I’ve got good news for you, GW: you’re already halfway there. It doesn’t sound like your partner refuses to dominate you or thinks that it’s icky; he just doesn’t know what he’s doing yet and you have to give him a little guidance.
This can be frustrating for a submissive, since of course the whole submissive fantasy is about wanting someone to do things to you that s/he wants, without you having much say in the matter. But if the submissive in the relationship is the one with the stronger interest in kink, then there’s going to be a learning curve.
Why not pass along some of your reading material to him? One excellent and very non-threatening book I like is The Topping Book, which has a companion book (called, predictably, The Bottoming Book) and which you could read together and start taking suggestions from.
If your parter is truly GGG, GW, then I bet s/he wouldn’t mind putting in a little extra effort to build some proficiency in domination, since it seems s/he already is happy to at least humor your fantasies. It may be awkward for a little while as s/he learns, but after some time you should be able to get to a place where s/he can do stuff to you without you having to spell out what it should be.
In addition to the reading, you might also try doing some practice sessions. It’s hard to get good at something without low-pressure practice time, and that includes knot-tying, flogging, and dirty talk. Make some time together where the pressure to satisfy you is low, and where the idea is for you to help your partner skill-build. You might make yourself the target for a flogging, for example, and play a game of hot/cold with the location of the strikes. The really fun part of this is that after a while, as your partner gets better, practice time will double as playtime.
Sitting down with a bottle of wine and talking about your fantasies together is also a great exercise. You may find out that your partner is what some derisively call a “service top:” your partner’s pleasure is really about giving you what you want. There’s nothing wrong with that, and again, with practice, your partner will be able to know what you want and give it to you the way you like it.
You might also make a game out of you telling your partner what you want: s/he might “force” you to say it out loud, to beg for it. This is a great way, novice tops, to get information out of your subs and still keep a scene going.
However you decide to proceed, GW – have fun!
Advice and Consent: Delilah Wood's Blog 