Damn The Mondays! Tuesday Advice Again

I’m writing this (but not posting it, of course) on a plane heading from Austin to Boston. I’ve been on vacation in Texas for about a week, and while I learned many things here and had bunches of fun, the most important thing I learned was this: Austin is full of blindingly hot waitstaff. In particular, a type I never thought I’d go for: tall, blond, skinny waitresses wearing incredibly short skirts and cowboy boots. It might have been the heat, but I couldn’t stop wanting to grab them by the hair and bend them over the table, or slide my hand up their skirts as they passed, or just throw them down, find some gloves and lube and make them scream for a few hours with my fist buried in them…haaah. Yes, it was a good trip.

But it’s also why I missed Monday Advice this week, and am bringing it to you now. Today’s question also involves a bit of sexual frustration, and is seemingly from the advanced camp.

Dear Delilah,

I like tying up men and making them feel vulnerable and helpless and used, and I like hurting them. But I also like orgasms! Unfortunately, being female and wired the way I am, the only way I can get my first orgasm (the next billion are easy) is by masturbation or by a lot of direct clitoral stimulation, which involves active participation by my partner. The other physical complicating factor is that it really is easier for me to orgasm when I am lying on my back, though I am still working on training my body out of that.

I hate masturbating myself to orgasm when I have a lover there because it feels wasteful of the opportunity and is generally faster and less intense, but I have trouble reconciling my love of bondage with my love of orgasms otherwise. Yes, I could always just untie his right arm when I’m ready to get off, but then it feels like my orgasm comes after the scene instead of being part of the scene, which also really bothers me. Any suggestions?

(I mostly solve this by creative bondage. Just enough wiggle room to reach me if he really tries and I go out of my way to let him, but that’s about it. It can get pretty annoying and frustrating, though, especially since he really likes both being completely immobilized and giving me orgasms and whatever else I may want of him.)

Okay, so obviously you’ve come up with one solution to the problem already, which is probably the first thing that I would have suggested. But you want a way to have your orgasm while he’s still all tied up, that doesn’t involve you having to do the work. (Because why do tops always have to do all the work? I mean, fuck.)

A couple of things come to mind. First off: do you enjoy oral, and is he good at it? If so, it’s trivial to have him completely immobilized and on his back, and for you to, as the good folks at Monty Python would have it, sit on his face and tell him that you love him. If you prefer being on your back, you could put him in a bent-over kneeling position, face down, with his arms at his sides, and position yourself underneath him. This also has the bonus of making it difficult for him, which seems to be part of what is working for you here.

As far as creative bondage: how much of his arm needs to be free to get you off? If you tied him, say, with his hands in front and his arms completely pinioned to his sides, you could hold onto him and let him use his fingers on you without his arms and hands actually being free. For the on-your-back position, you could even throw him on his stomach on a bed and scootch under him so his hand is in the right place.

Another solution, if vibrators work for you, is a compromise: tie a vibrator to some part of his body. Build it into his bondage somewhere where it will be nice and secure. If you want to be nice, let it stimulate some part of his body as well. If you want to be mean, attach it to his stomach. If you want to be really mean, attach it to his back and don’t even let him watch as you get yourself off by rubbing against him. There’s a delicious objectifying aspect to this as well, as you’re essentially making him into a sex toy.

Which brings me to frottage. Are you able to orgasm by rubbing against something, like his thigh, or shin? This could be another way to accomplish this.

Let me know how it goes!

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It’s Monday…Time for your questions!

Ah…spring finally feels like it’s here. The blood is starting to flow again, and I’m looking forward to having more appointments, doing more shoots, and having more hot sex. But first – your questions!

We start with a nice long complex one. Mmm, juicy!

***
Dear Delilah,

About a year and a half ago I started dating my boyfriend. About a week later, well before my boyfriend and I became exclusive, I had a very erotic, kinky encounter with a very good friend and her boyfriend. I’d had an inkling that I was into more than just vanilla sex, and this definitely confirmed it.

My boyfriend is a great guy, and we’re living together now. He was made aware fairly early on about my new-found kinky nature, and has tried to play along, but he lacks the intensity to really put me into subspace. He also, in spite of being monogamous-minded, has allowed me to continue having occasional playdates with my friend and her boyfriend. Sounds like a pretty good deal so far, I know. But…

One of the rules my boyfriend has laid out for me is that I am not allowed to have sexual contact in these outside encounters. This would be much more manageable if he would at least be willing to participate more in the dynamic I share with my friend and her boyfriend. But, as it currently stands, I go to their house, get deep into a scene, get entirely turned on, then have to wrap things up before loading into the car and head back home.

I would love it if my boyfriend was willing to participate in these kinky encounters. He knows the couple I play with, and he likes them quite a bit, socially. We always have a great time when the four of us hang out for dinner or to watch a movie.

If he’s unwilling to participate, then I would like him to turn his cheek a bit further away and let me get off when I need it most. I am not asking to have intercourse (although that much would be lovely), but even if I could feel their hands on me, in me, plying me with toys and bringing me over the edge. Ending a scene right now is such an awkward dance of avoiding genitals. I know in my heart that I would still be coming home and ravaging my boyfriend, but I am not able to fully submit to my lovers’ whims, and we all find it frustrating.

Is there hope for resolution to my problem? How can I convince him that what was once a desire is turning into a need that must be met. Maybe I am too greedy, but I want the best in both these worlds.

Frustrated submissive

Dear Frustrated,

This is a complex issue. What I’m hearing you asking is really two things: 1. How can I get my boyfriend to join in on my antics with this other couple? and 2. If I can’t get him to, how can I get some orgasms into the bargain when I’m playing with my friends?

I can’t say for sure without talking to you, but it sounds like your boyfriend has some fear going on around you experiencing pleasure with others. From the little you’ve said, it sounds to me like he truly has no interest in playing with you and the other couple; either he doesn’t want to let his guard down like that in front of these friends, or, even more likely, he’s afraid of seeing you experiencing pleasure with someone besides him. And if he can’t be there to see it…well, he probably doesn’t want to think about it happening without him, either – thus the limit.

If I’m wrong and he does seem like he could be open to joining in, it might help him to think of it as something that he’s doing with you, where the other people happen to be present. It’s possible that if he feels like he’s in control of the situation, or even that he’s “giving” you to the couple as a gift and is still the one getting you off at the end – that might be a solution – and very hot, too.

A thing I see sometimes in poly relationships that aren’t fully comfortable is that one partner (in this case, your boyfriend, if I’m right) is kind of okay with the other partner (you) doing something that he won’t do (like kink) with someone else, but freaks out a little at the thought of you doing something similar to what you do with him (i.e. sex) with someone else. So: spankings and bondage are fine – he’s not into that, and if you are, well okay, do it over there where I can’t see it. But fingers and genitals and orgasms? That’s his department, dammit!

If this is the case, what he needs to understand is that there’s not such a strong separation as he’s making. Kink is part of your sexuality, not something separate from it, so when you engage in kinky activities, you want sex along with it. Is he worried about exposure to STDs? Limit your sex acts to gloved manual stimulation and/or stimulation with toys – or have the couple command you to get yourself off. Or is it more of an emotional closeness thing that your boyfriend’s worried about? If so, you’re already emotionally linked to this couple – it’s too late.

It doesn’t sound like you want to do without these trysts with your lovely couple, and if this need is strong enough in you, and you don’t address it, it will end the relationship with your boyfriend eventually. Try talking with him about his fears. Acknowledge them, and don’t try to dismiss them by “solving” them right away – he needs to know that you’re there for him and that you understand – and in particular, that you won’t leave him just because you get off with someone else. Once you have a sense of what it is that really bothers him about the idea of you getting off from this extracurricular kinky activity, you might be able to renegotiate your arrangement using baby steps and a lot of trust; if he gives you the little bit of freedom you’re asking for and you keep coming back to ravish him afterward, pretty soon he’ll stop being afraid.

Dear Delilah,

OK, this is probably on the vanilla side, but what the heck. Any suggestions on how to attach things for bondage? I mean, you get your nice pair of lovely cuffs attached to your partner, but assuming you don’t have a nice sturdy headboard, then what?

–At Loose Ends

Then what, ALE? Then, oh then…ah, there are many possibilities.

One is attaching the submissive to him- or herself. Get yourself a metal double-clip (available at any hardware store, or from the kinky bastards who sold you the cuffs, but for three times the price, probably) and clip the cuffs together in back, or in front, or overhead. Get two double-clips, and some ankle cuffs, too – presto, instant hogtie! You can do this with rope too, of course, but it’s slower.

But what I think you’re asking is about attaching your partner to things, also a time-honored tradition. You joke about being on the vanilla side, so my guess is that you’d like to spread-eagle your partner, or bind them in some other way to your bed – a popular fantasy for those just getting into kinky stuff.

One of my favorite cheap-o kink solutions is dog leashes. I bought four plain black neoprene dog leashes a few years ago. I have a sturdy headboard, but what I did was wrap the loop handle of the leash around the leg of the bed, then pulled the rest of the leash through it. The clip at the end is standard and can attach to any D-ring. If you want the leashes shorter, just tie them off higher, or wrap them around the legs of the bed more times.

If you have a boxspring, or even a sturdy bed frame, you can also run a rope or leash between the mattress and boxspring – side to side or top to bottom – and attach the ends of that to the cuffs. Or, run a rope in a loop all the way around and tie it off; now you have a thing to clip the cuffs to.

If you’re dealing with someone new to bondage, remember that being attached to something is a bit more advanced than being tied to yourself. You want to make sure that it’s easy to release the person if they panic: double-clips are great for that.

If you want to get spendy about it, I also recommend Sportsheets, which involve a velvety fitted sheet and really strong Velcro. (I’ve tested these myself – they definitely work.) Happy bondage!

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