Mostly just in the annoying and random department

I really wish I’d stop getting spam emails from what I think is an escort service called – always in all caps – WETJEWELS.

WET. JEWELS.

Yeesh. I don’t know what it is, but something about it just sounds totally disgusting to me. Worse than the word “moist.” Seriously.

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Kink for Beginners – This Wednesday!

Hey everyone,

I spend a lot of time talking to people who are kinky but don’t know where to start, or are afraid to talk about it. I wanted to point out that NELA, the fabulous group of kinksters in New England who run the semi-annual Fetish Fair Fleamarket and bring so much education and fun to the Boston kink community, are holding a BDSM 101 class this Wednesday night, from 8-10 at 119 Braintree St, Ste 208, Allston, MA.

Only beginners are allowed at this class, so it’s a place where you can be sure that everyone is just as clueless as you are. It’s a safe environment for learning and asking questions, and will be run by Vivian and Scott, two old-schoolers who have been around the block, tied it up, and given it quite a few whacks in their day.

I hope some of you will go out and take advantage of this class. For more info, see NELA’s website and click on the event.

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From the it’s-funny-because-it’s-true department

A lover of mine stumbled across this song after loading a bunch of stuff onto his iPod and sticking it on shuffle. He then played it for me, and I was slain not just by the song itself (which is in fact hilarious), but by how many of the typical sub male fantasies I’ve encountered in my career he hits on the head.

Ladies, gentlemen, and other: Adam Sandler’s At A Medium Pace. Do not under any circumstances listen to this at work.

The lyrics:

Put your arms around me baby,
Can’t you see I need you so?
Hold me close against your skin,
’cause I’m about to begin
Lovin’ you.

Spit on your hand and stroke my cock at a medium pace.
Play with my balls and tell me how big they are.
Honey rub your beaver up and down my face.
Now sit on the corner of the bed and watch me whack off.

You see that shampoo bottle? now, stick it up my ass.
Push it in and out at a medium pace.
Talk about your old boyfriend’s dick and how big it was.
Now shave off my pubes and punch me in the face.

Darling, make me push my dick and balls back between my legs.
Call me an ugly woman and take my picture to show all the people
You work with.

Now pull up my scrotum and take that shampoo bottle out of my ass.
Pretend I’m the pizza delivery guy and watch me whack off.
Strap on a dildo and make me give you head.
Now tell me to slow down and do it at a medium pace.

I feel so humiliated – I’m about to blow my load!
You tell it’s time to make love but I can’t ”cause I spewed all over myself.
Then you look into my eyes, then you realize
How much I enjoy loving you. oh.
I’m so sorry I spunked on my stomach.
Maybe next time I’ll be better at loving you.

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