Back from all of my travels and travails, and now it’s time again for Monday Advice! (Shut up, it’s still Monday.)
Dear Delilah,
After a longish period of hesitation (ok, hiding under the covers) I’ve gotten back into dating and have met a very sweet guy who is also a top. We’ve been playing together and hanging out and things seem to be progressing very nicely.
There’s this thing, though. I’ve found that when I get submissive with him, that headspace sort of bleeds into our just hanging out time. I find that I just sort of..wait around for him to make decisions about what it is we’re going to do, for example, or just responding and not initiating. It’s frustrating and irritating (for both of us, I’m sure).
I don’t want to be doing this! I’d like to build a relationship with this guy, and I can’t very well do that if I’m not being forthright with him. Can you offer advice on how to ‘change gears’ more effectively?
Thanks for your help,
N.
I know I’m going to bore you to death with this answer, N, but as always: communicate, communicate, communicate. Do you know, for example, that this is irritating for him? Maybe he’s enjoying having you subby a lot of the time when he’s around. However, it’s obviously frustrating and irritating you, so it’s important that you get this problem out in the open with him and find a way to resolve it.
If you’re not interested in developing a 24/7 D/s relationship, then it’s especially important that this be resolved. Here are some suggestions.
Come up with some sort of ritualized beginning and ending to your play. Collars are great for this, although some people find that their symbolism is too intense. You may come up with a set of words to say that signals the completion of a scene, or you may put a piece of jewelry or clothing on your body that grounds you into your self. Come up with something that works for you to differentiate scene time from non-scene time.
You might also have him deliberately make you make a decision of some sort – where you will go for dinner, or what kind of music to put on – shortly after you play, to get you into non-subby mode.
On the other side of this, however, I would play with what it’s like to be subby in non-scene space, if this interests you. Just make sure that you’re doing it deliberately rather than as a default. Consciousness is key to full enjoyment, and you might enjoy quiet times with your guy in that soft space of compliance if you’re both aware and doing it on purpose. Just make sure, again, that you have your “key” or mechanism for getting out of that space when you want to.
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Advice and Consent: Delilah Wood's Blog 
I could have written this question myself. It can sometimes (but of course not for everyone) be scary when your play bleeds into “real life” or, alternately, when your “real life” gets into your play! The worst feeling in a relationship for me is when I find myself slipping away into agreeability and not really being present and active in the relationship.
Mostly the first step to solving this problem is being aware that it’s happening. With my new(ish) boy, I have tried really hard to have preferences for little things, like where we’re going to dinner, or what movie to see. The little things percolate up to feeling much more equal in our “day” lives.
I think the symbolic aid to when play starts and ends is really helpful, as is a change of clothes, posture, demeanor, being called something else (or calling your top something else), etc.
For my relationship… I’ve actually tried a little switching, to switch things up — just a little, every now and then (: It’s done wonders!