I have a sweetie with whom do a lot of (scorching) “non-consensual” play. We sometimes have difficulties negotiating in scene.
It works if I come out of subspace enough to chirp a campy “Oh no! Not that! Please don’t make me come. That would be too humiliating!” But, I have to tear myself out of a very happy headspace to do that. And, the over-the-top tone necessary for this to work makes both of us a little giggly.
What suggestions do you have for negotiating within a non-con scene without completely coming out of headspace and losing the flow?
A fascinating question this week. “Nonconsensual” play is one of the more challenging rows to hoe within the BDSM scene, for the reason you bring up here and for any number of other reasons. I could go on and on at dick-shriveling length about all of the ways it can go wrong, how to mitigate against that, and how to do non-con play safely.
But from your question, it sounds like you’re playing very safely and happily, and you just need a little bit of finessing to take it to the next level.
I will say here that if your biggest problem in non-con scenes is that you’re giggly, you’re doing pretty well. But I also fully understand the urge to make it more real. It sounds like you want to go to a darker place with this, and that perhaps you’re a bit stuck in the “damsel in distress,” melodrama version of nonconsent.
Not that damsel in distress stuff can’t be hot.
But if you want to get to a place where you’re able to say no and he’s able to ignore your no and you can keep it serious, one way to start is with him “forcing” you to say yes. Part of the deal with nonconsent play is that you have to talk, right? And as I’ve discussed before, talking while in subspace can sometimes be difficult. In my own sub play, I’ve often found it easier to repeat what the top is telling me to say than to generate spoken content on my own. If s/he tells you to beg for it, or to say how much you want it, or other suchlike things, it may feel humiliating in and of itself to beg or to say you want it. Your top might choose to make you say other embarrassing things, too. The result, hopefully, is twofold: you’re being made to talk when it’s difficult to talk, without having to come out of subspace too far. And you’re playing with doing something you don’t want to do for the top’s amusement. It’s only a short leap from getting used to that kind of dirty talk (“please, yes, please make me come,” “I’m a little slut,” or whatever) during play to saying, “No, no, please, no…” without it having to be melodramatic and “chirpy.”
Whew. Okay, now you’ve got me all excited. I hope this is helpful; I’ll be in my bunk.
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Advice and Consent: Delilah Wood's Blog 
But if you want to get to a place where you’re able to say no and he’s able to ignore your no and you can keep it serious…
Well, sort of. I want to be able to actually communicate “no” or “yes, please” or “that will be challenging, but I’m willing to try” while staying in scene. Repeating what he tells me to doesn’t accomplish that.
Ah! I see now. That’s actually a somewhat simpler problem than what I was interpreting from your question. 🙂 The commenter below gives an excellent suggestion: choosing code words or phrases that mean those things.
I remember a friend of mine telling me how he and his girlfriend did kinky stuff when they were teenagers, without either of them really knowing what it was. They didn’t know about safewords, and they played around with consent. But when one of them went, DON’T, the other knew they meant it.
It happened organically for them, but you might choose something deliberate when you’re not mid-scene. If you make it something simple that you both find hot, you aren’t as likely to run into the “silliness” problem (“Oh no, please don’t throw me into the briar patch!”). If speaking words is still a challenge, you might come up with signals instead. Looking him in the eyes and shaking your head vigorously “no” three times may mean “I’ll give that a shot.” And so on. It’s a matter of choosing something that’s actually easy for you to do while you’re in scene, that’s codified ahead of time so he’ll understand.
Thanks. This is the direction we’ve been pointing, but it’s nice to hear from others that it can, indeed, work well. I guess we just need more practice!
(Oh no! Not, that!)
I’ve had certain words organically become in-scene keywords for me and a partner– like, I know that with one person, “somebody help me!” means “push me harder”. These all developed undirectedly for me (by one of us using an unusual phrase during a scene and that scene happening to go in a given direction), but it *might* still work if they were explicitly chosen as a code.