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Archive for May 19th, 2009

I am not actively involved with anybody at this particular juncture in time and I am very shy when in comes to being involved with new partners. My last partner turned out to have been a very skilled and loving Dom. This was not something that I really knew about him prior to being involved with him. However, with that experience in my past, I am pretty sure that I would be unhappy in relationship that was completely devoid of that dynamic. I find that telling people of that particular long term goal appears to suggest that I wish to escalate things sexually. I definitely wish to wait a good while before sex and an even longer while for kinky pleasure. How do I seek fellow kinksters out in the initial phases of meeting a person, before introducing sexuality? How shall I broach the subject? And, is being kinky a more fixed personality trait, as orientation is for some folks? For instance, if a person is uninterested in kink, will they always be uninterested?

-Challenged At Clever Acronym Creation

It sounds like you’re running into a similar issue to another questioner who wants to meet kinky people, but doesn’t want to talk about sex right away. The trouble here is that if you meet someone through an explicitly kinky venue, then the subject is already out there on the table, and one is almost expected to talk about it. But if you meet someone in another way, and you start to fall for them without talking about it, then when happens if you bring it up later and they freak out? Right?

Here’s my advice, CACAC. If you feel like you need kink in your life in order to feel fulfilled, I would start working on meeting people through explicitly kinky venues. I don’t mean you have to go to play parties or even a fetish night at a dance club. If you live in a major metro area, there should be a kink organization or two out there. Such organizations tend to hold munches: meetings of kinksters in non-kinky public places to meet each other and talk. Now sometimes, kink organizations are broken and creepy, and so, therefore, are the people involved in them. And even if you find a good one, you might not meet anyone at a munch that you want to pursue a relationship with. But if the vibe is good, you’re opening the door to meeting more people who have kinky interests. Attend classes and workshops. Spend some time at your local woman-owned sex shop. Or even look around on Fetlife for folks – it’s a fast-growing online community that works well for networking.

By going this route, you’re guaranteeing that your dating pool is going to consist mainly of people who already know about and want to do this stuff. The next step is finding one you like, and who’s willing to go at your pace.

Should you meet someone outside of this purview, I recommend the following: fly your freak flag a little. If you get to the point where you have him over to your place for dinner, make sure you have a flogger hanging on the wall, or whatever the equivalent is for what you’re into. Wear a pretty cuff bracelet with a D-ring on it. Keep a kink-positive button on your backpack. Be open to questions. Flirt with information. Let him know in subtle ways what you’re into, without having an explicit conversation until you’re ready.

And here’s another thing: if you’re into dominant men, it’s likely that you’re going to be attracted to dominant men. Whether that manifests itself as whips and chains and rubber or whether it just means he’s the kind of guy who’ll grab you by the hair and toss you against the wall for a good stand-up shag, you’re likely to get what you’re looking for simply by virtue of your tastes. If you get involved with someone who is inexperienced but open, you can always introduce him to the joys of kink when the time comes.

As far as your other question – is kink an orientation – I really can’t answer that with any authority, because Science Just Doesn’t Know. But I do know that people “get kinky” sometimes after years of not being drawn to it. And it seems pretty clear to me that once someone gets kinked, they don’t really get un-kinked. So you have that going for you.

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