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Archive for March 12th, 2009

People email me all the time with strange requests. One guy wants me to hit him with a huge leather purse. Another wants to be diapered and force-fed yogurt. Some things I say yes to; I say no to as many; I judge none.

But the manner of some of the requests…that’s another story. I spent some time over the last couple of days scouring my email for all the ways in which potential clients – or targeted spammers – vied for my attention in unfortunate ways. No names have been, or ever will be, revealed here. All comments in bold or italics are mine; spelling and grammar has been left in its pristine native state.

1. From someone who claims to be “basically gay”:
Fantasy is for women to dominate me. However, want her to set up 1-6 skinny smooth guys 18-22 who would gang bang me while you discipline and torture me to beg for kink. Will do extreme bottom fantasy if I like all their pics.

Because of course, I’m just rolling in hot young gay boys who want to do gangbang scenes with a strange guy while a dominant woman controls the whole scenario. And the time to round them up and send you pictures for your approval. How much money do you have, exactly?

2. From Craigslist, of course:
m/33 will give you 40 just to jerk off on your stocking feet,very serious,ill cum real fast

Really? Oh thank goodness. I’d hate to be paid less than ten minutes worth of my time if it were going to take you longer than that to ruin a $40 pair of stockings.

3. From the bizarre typos department:
Would you have a problem with making me temporally homeless?

No problem at all. If you’d just step into my flux capacitor…

4. Also from the goldmine that is Craigslist:
can i lick your dirty butthole…..$$$$

Wow, for FOUR WHOLE DOLLAR SIGNS?! Maybe! Oh wait, I just remembered, I have to go dip my genitals in molten lava.

5. From the wtf department:
not into the BD/Sm although i was a dom for a bout 3 years. i make a lot of money , married and live in [swanky town]. Are you always role playing? do you have another side?

So…you were a dom for three years but you’re not into “the BDSM.” You’re rich and married…and what, you want to *date* me or something? Perhaps you’re into “the clueless?”

6. From the charm department:
i’m from Greece and as a greek i know how to distinguish a true Goddess.

As opposed to all those knock-off goddesses you see them selling all the time down in the Plaka…

7. From the online translation program department:
Please when this I ugly am left on the side as a slave of the servant in the under of beautiful Domme Delilah, cannot you get it? When the cock is usually erected by about 8cm, I will enhance it to about 13cm. It wants to be seeing a beautiful woman single-mindedly subordinate, and masochist’s mentally and physically man who keeps wishing sincerely to devote oneself the life.

Um, what?

8. A second response after being told I would not shit on him:
hi hun ok how about just ass smothering not nude or any sex just in like tight black spandex or panties or dildo play spankings and would you watch me go to the bathroom let me know which ones you would do so i know and whats your rates i am a hot looking w m did you get my pic and can you send one to looking foward take care bye thanks

You know what I would do? Hun? Breathe. Then put *down* the meth pipe. Kay? Kay.

9. Random, yet somehow amusing:
I’m a licensed plumber in Massachusetts should you ever find the need to use me.

Oh, cool. Could you help me get some of these guys’ heads out of their asses?

10. Moar unfortunate typos:
i found you the web, are you available?

Oh DUDE I’ve been looking all over for that! Yeah, just come over and drop teh internets off anytime.

11. Uhhh…
I like to smell lady’s feet, when they smell like corn chips. Is this possible with you?

Absolutely. Come over and bathe my feet in Fritos.

12. Just…what?
Explain please what is a crotch rope and how install?

Wait, lemme ask the plumber…

13. Adorable emails from foreigners…
Hello I am a 33 years old man from Norway who has a “secret” fantasy! This fantasy is to be examinated by a dominant female doctor.

The latest in European fetish porn…The EXAMINATOR!

14. Ah, Craigslist, thy bounty is ever-flowing…
do you have long toes? how bout putting them in my face?

How bout not?

15. From the department of internet paranoia:
HELLO ! Before I type you an email letter , I wanted to know if you are out there?

No, but I can assure you that you *definitely* are.

16. From a much longer message, believe it or not…
One of my fantasies is to be roped by a cannibal Mistress riding bareback in red-chaps,oo…She drags me crost a meadow tied to where a dom(also wearing chaps accompanied by a see-throo jock)male of hers waits to rape me repeatedly in front of her) She talks of roasting & devouring me at a din-din with other Mistress friends… if this sounds too extreme for Your tastes, i understand completely in which case we could perhaps only simulate parts of the above?

Yes, perhaps we should only simulate the part where I ROAST AND EAT YOU. The see-through jock may have to be left to the imagination, too. Way too tacky.

17. From the all caps, no brains department:
I HAVE THE FANTASY ABOUT BEING USED WITH A STRAPON IN MY PRIVATE AREA BY A HOT CHIC..

Okay. How about you take me to your bathroom (that’s your private area, right?), I’ll strap a dildo to the top of your head, and use you to unclog your toilet? (I hear that’s very chic this year. Ask the plumber, he knows.)

18. Someone didn’t do his market research:
If you are interested in having updated aerial photographs of your business or organization, please visit our website for more information.

Sure. I’d love to have pictures of you getting fucked up the ass shot from 3,000 feet.

19. One of the I-want-to-be-your-personal-slave-forever-though-I’ve-never-even-seen-you types:
can i be your fartinhaling, pee drinking, asslicking, sucking, pussy eating 24/7 livein realtime bitch plz?regards a genuine bitch

A billion kinds of no. Even if you were one of those knock-off bitches they sell down in the Plaka.

20. And finally, the department of unselfaware irony::
Although I have engaged in these acivities, the problem is, they were all at my request. My NEED is to be ordered to perform these acts. …I will call, but before I do, I’d like to make sure you will fulfil 100% of my fantasy.

*facepalm*

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