Archive for March 9th, 2009

Last week was a slow one on the business front. I wasn’t feeling especially well, I had a lot of flaky callers who steadfastly refused to leave messages, and I think that the Monday snow-dump that took a crap on our fair city early in the week squelched any spring stirrings that might have been beginning.

Then this weekend came with its springing-forward and 60-degree temperatures and all of that wonderfulness.

But today it’s in the 30s again, with sleety slushy shit again, and everyone’s back in their hidey-holes until the weather warms up and the girls start wearing their sandals again.

So while you’re all huddled in front of your fires with your computers on your laps, here’s some answers to your questions!

Dear Delilah,

I’ve been exploring kink lately, and I’m a little worried that once I jump full-on into the kinky, I’ll start to find non-kinky sexual relationships less fulfilling. What has been your experience with this, and should I be concerned?

Curious And Really Excited, Fearing Uninspired Lovemaking

In my experience, CAREFUL, the answer to this question depends on a lot of factors. Do you have more than one partner? Do you have a steady partner, with whom you’re accustomed to having vanilla sex? Is that partner open to kinky sex, and if not, do you have another acceptable outlet for it? Do you actually enjoy the vanilla sex you’re having now? And what is vanilla, anyway?

I have a number of lovers. One of them hardly ever uses toys with me, and yet the sex we have – which is mostly “standard” heterosexual sex acts – is almost always kinky. Why? Because our mental relationship to each other has that content: it’s all about the type of dirty talk we choose, the ways we hold each other, the power dynamic that emerges when we fuck.

Another lover and I share an intense energetic connection. Our sex is incredibly hot, but I’d call it vanilla in the sense that we don’t engage in power dynamics, nor do we do a lot of sex acts that might be considered kinky.

Sometimes I play with people using rope and whips and clamps and all kinds of things, and we don’t have actual sex at all.

I like all kinds of things. After all, so-called “plain vanilla,” done well, is one of the most exquisite and complex ice cream flavors there is. If you already have a fulfilling vanilla sex life, I wouldn’t be too concerned about losing interest in it.

On the other hand, if you have been feeling for a long time that your vanilla sex life has been missing something, and your drive toward kinky activities is really strong, you might find that once you start adding such activities into your sex, you might not be too interested in going back. If you and your partner are both into the kinky stuff, this might not be such a bad thing – it’s not like you have to do a full rope suspension every night. Remember, kink isn’t an all-or-nothing proposition: what was vanilla sex one minute becomes kinky the next when one of you suddenly holds the other’s wrists down to the bed.

And if you have more than one partner – I’m guessing from the plural in the “non-kinky sexual relationships” part of your question that you do – the important thing is to let each relationship find its own groove. Try things out together. Find out what you like together. Sex is a kind of alchemy, and doesn’t just involve a certain set of acts or only one person’s desires. The best partner sex happens when the two of you are exploring (or in time, repeating!) the kinds of things that turn both of your cranks. For some, that might be vanilla: when my vanilla lover and I try plugging into D/s, it just feels silly and we go back to what works. For others, that might be hanging upside down from the ceiling and poking their privates with a rubber chicken.

The short version (too late) is that I wouldn’t worry about losing interest in non-kinky relationships unless you have already lost interest in those relationships. And if that’s the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate those relationships anyway.

Dear Delilah,

Strap-ons. Have you found a particular harness style that actually holds the damn thing on securely enough that you can have decent thrust control and have both hands free?

-Damn, It’s Loose! Do-Over?

I’m so glad you asked, DILDO. I have a favorite harness that I heartily recommend, and at this point (it was given to me as a gift nearly six years ago, now), there are probably others that emulate its perfect style. The original and my favorite, though, is the Venus Envy, available at Toys of Eros in Provincetown, MA, and through their online store. It’s made of buttery leather, is in a jock-strap style so you’re not dealing with butt-floss while you’re trying to fuck, has plastic climbing-type closures for easy in and out (heh), and is incredibly adjustable. They actually carry a number of great styles, including ones made especially for larger women.

I think that there are some general qualities in a harness, though, that can contribute to a nice solid fit so you can really get your hips behind your action without worrying that your cock is going to go flying across the room:

1. Material. Leather is my favorite, because it molds to the body over time, has a gentle stretch without too much give, gets more beautiful with age, and doesn’t cut into the skin like neoprene or other synthetics. Those who are against leather or who want something a bit cheaper will have to compromise on this, but I really do think it’s the best choice.

2. Adjustability. The harness I have adjusts on all of its axes; that is, each strap adjusts individually to accommodate differences in body proportions as well as size. If you’re going to pound someone vigorously, it’s important that your harness be well-secured to your body.

The other major factor is vanity. When you see the pictures of the harnesses on the models, they look all nice and sleek and smooth against their bodies. But most of us have some body fat, unlike most models. In order to make the harness secure, you may have to tighten it enough so that your fat bulges around the straps a little, which may not look especially flattering. Don’t sweat it: I guarantee you that whomever you’re fucking will be much too happy and busy getting the relentless pounding that you’ll be able to give with a harness that fits well to notice that you have a little pooching going on.

Well, that’s it for this week. Remember to email me at delilah@dommedelilah.com with your questions, or comment here on the blog. Look for the next Advice Edition on Monday the 16th!

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